Lady Lust

No, I'm not going on another rant about LGBTQ advocacy or referring to the awesome lesbian ladies that I love and adore--a comedian, a soccer goalie, the band stage setter...the list goes on and on. What I AM referring to is something all of us ladies are guilty of: Lady Lust.

Yesterday as I was shopping online through Victoria's Secret, filtering through in search of the perfect bikini. I waded through the "add a million cups to your boob size tops" and "tiny little triangles top, that with one dive into the deep end would end up in a whole lot of never getting invited to the family lake parties again" to find a perfect coverage suit. Now don't confuse my need for a (somewhat)modest suit with being too modest for skinny dipping--that's almost always appropriate. Except maybe when you are hanging out with your boyfriend's conservative parents and sister for one of the first times on the beach near a lake and you have one too many PBR's that leads you to trying to convince the whole damn fam to go skinny dipping with you. I got off course...okay where was I? Ah, yes...the perfect bikini...I was searching for the perfect bikini due to a bad case of the winter blues, then one of my coworkers comes in and sits on my counselor couch.

Co-Worker: "Ohhhhh yeah! I already ordered my suit online. It's this cute bandeau with no straps." Me: "If only I could get away with wearing a rectangle piece of material over my boobs without any straps." Co-Worker: "Well, it helps if you don't have boobs." Co-Worker: "Ughhh so there is this girl in my class that is just so perfect. She's so beautiful and makes these adorable leather handbags and sells them on Etsy and has her own Etsy site."

...so it begins, Phase 1 of classic lady lust. Phase 1 starts with trying to find out the name of your lady lust, or it could be paying close attention to where she got that cute infinity scarf or where she takes yoga. Or maybe it's hearing that she just joined a co-ed basketball team and you decide to try and convince your closest friends to shoot some hoops. You may overhear her share her favorite place to grab appy's or maybe you hear that she's going to this fabulous concert downtown. Or maybe she's really hilarious and makes jokes about not shaving her legs or how she learned how to play the guitar last summer while being abroad. Then you start stealing some of her lines and cracking yourself up.

Phase 2

Co-Worker: "Yeah, wanna see her fb? I mean she's posing with a horse and everything. Who is that cute that they just have a cute horse sitting around to take photos with??? Oh yeah, and see this picture--? This was before her husband cut his hair and grew a beard...I've been trying to get my bf to do that." ::scrolls through profile pics:: Me: "Wow, she's cute"--(now entering phase one of girl lust, while intern rises to phase 2) Co-Worker: "Wait until you see her Etsy store...oh and she has this cool name __________(insert cool name) and I'm just like--'are you real with your cute little outfits and always perfect hair at school and here I am in my yoga pants and wet messy bun'" Me: ...officially entering Phase 2 by inoculation (starts following said Etsy store...asks about pricing)

Phase 3

This is usually followed by the one lusting tries to get enough courage to suggest grabbing coffee at the Rockwood bakery...or...did you hear that Snoop Dogg is playing at the Knit?

Phase 4

...many don't get to this point thankfully, but this is the point where you want to name your first baby girl after said Lady Lust...I could never see myself entering this phase... ;D

Lady Lusts of my life Exhibit A:

Big red

because I'm in a quirky mood and because it's been awhile since I wrote something on my computer that wasn't academic, I am going to take this time to write a letter to santa...my adult version..very different then my little kid version

Dear Santa,

I know there were times this year where I was outrageous in my wildness. I'm sure when checking over the list and scrolling across my name you immediately had a flashback to my weekend in Vegas where I was flashy and ridiculous and wore my shoes in the swimming pool. Also, the multiple times I yelled at Alex when planning our wedding. I'm sure you're looking back and thinking of the multiple times I had a little too much to drink (or a lot), when I chain smoked cigarrettes, hid Alex's call of duty game, and refused to eat veggies weeks after my wedding (due to dieting for almost a year).

I know you're probably thinking of the times when I relished in my enemie's weight gain and spoke my mind one too many times out in public. You're also probably remembering the times when I lashed out at some of my friends when supppper stressed out and the time I prank called my little brother wasted, leaving him a message saying I was some girl he met at "Club Fit." In my defense I needed to make a point about his permiscuous ways. ;D and I know, I know, I know....when I spent wayyyy too much money on that pair of shoes and waited until the last minute to do my homework and complained about it to the world. And yes, that was me, that told a couple people off this year and wrote some people off and gave my little brother chew when he turned eighteen. I did flirt my way out of a speeding ticket and played dumb when I didn't want to fix some stuff in my apartment, so Alex would. Now I hope you can somehow look past all of this and grant me what I want this Christmas....now think of this Christmas list as a somewhat New Year list as well.

What I want most for Christmas is liberation. Freedom in music and friendships and love and trees. To be able to set aside my neurotic tendencies and accept the world and the people close to me in it for the incredible people they are. I want peace of mind and yoga. I want to be able to lay my head down at night and not think about how I wish I could loose ten pounds or how I should have, would have, could have. I want to abolish mental "to do" lists. I want mostly to cherish this world and the moments God grants me. I want to stop being nostalgic and stop living in the past, like a sappy consumer of my hauntings. No more nightmares every single freaking day of people who are in my past, that wrote me off or hurt me. I want disaknowlegment as well as acknowlegment.

disaknowlege: negative people in my world; narcisstic relationships that are totally one sided; what I don't have, materialistically speaking; judgmental people...I can't judge judgemental people right? That makes me a hypocrite; and most of all I want to disaknowlege my fear. Fear of failure, not being accepted, and fear that my friends and the people I love will leave.

acknowlege: the beauty on this earth, God, the incredible friends I do have and their awesome qualities, uplifting music, simplicity, my blessings, how lucky I am. :)

Also, Santa...I would like you to provide comfort to the people who are hurting out there. There are so many...and so many close to me that are hurting. Please, Santa let me just accept the things I have right now, in this moment.

Along with this list, Santa, I would like you to transport me into the seventies for a week haha...and also could you let me go on project runway and design clothing and let me travel the world at no expense. ;D Also, I would very much like to meet Audrey Hepburn and find the most epic kareoke song of all time. Also, please don't let me get pregnant for at least another year..again with the neuroticism. hahaha..Also, I just want enough time this Christmas break to see all the people that I love and care for so much.

I know this list is very easy to fulfill ;)

Thank you,

Trish

Top Ten

Had an incredible weekend, despite angry cynical coaches and parents at the U-9 girls teams I reffed. urgh. Have been really finding a great balance between being a grown-up and truly making time for the things I treasure in life. :D yay..I'm adjusting as a grad student! woo. lol. Because I love lists so much and because I have so many new favorites in my life...I might as well list my most recent tops. :D

Favs..

1. Bruchetta at Vintages(the place I'm serving at now)

2. Sunday Movie date night with my hubs

3. Skype dates with people I miss so much

4. adorable children at the pumpkin patch

5. Americano w/cinnamon and honey

6. Some of the people in my program that have an exquisite vocabulary..makes class so much more interesting to me :D especially if they throw in a couple good metaphors

7. Maxi skirts with funky boots

8. Double dates with the "Alex's" and Meliss and I :D

9. Celeb crush lol:

10. planning for vacations I shouldn't take, but am going to anyways ;D

Poetry nut

Lately I have been giving myself time limits...on how much poetry I can read on my study breaks. I found this incredible blog and have been reading poetry from it like I'm parched and this blog is my libation relief. I don't know what it is about poetry that I love so much..and I find that it's pretty rare to find someone who truly grasps and appreciates the complexities, the raw emotion, and the ironicy of poetry. I don't really care that sometimes I feel like a sentimental weirdo, staying up too late reading poetry that inspire me to write my own. I am not a huge fan of sharing my poetry, but for some reason today I feel surprisingly inspired..so I'll go ahead and show one of my favorite poems from the blog I stumbled across and the poem I wrote a few days ago.

Blog poem:



This Is How I Must Be Loved







This is how I must be loved.
Bring me mangoes out of season.
Order an orange from China
Or one ancient painted egg.

You cannot be too exotic.

Find me a perfect magenta orchid.
It is the extravagant gesture
I long for.

Make me wear a veil and shawl.
Call me a Spanish whore.
Have me kneel at your feet.
Take me, hard, on the floor.

It is the opulence of love
I crave.

I want a full moon every night,
The wild bath of silver.
Touch me in another language.
Dare invent it,
A geography of the naked.

Surround me with candles.
Bathe me in oil.
Carry me to bed.
Tell me you’re my slave.
Brush my hair.
Beg to kiss my neck.

Whisper my name ten thousand times
Like a mantra, like chimes.
Build me a garden, an arbor.
Love me like I was the woman
Of all your tomorrows.

And no more pulling punches.
No more dress rehearsals.
Love me like I was the final
Princess in the last tower
At the end of the map.

Kate Braverman


My poem

Suns' Lover

Unfold me among the trees
Open in privacy
See how the tree trunks bleed into my coffee skin
See how the roots of my body
Cling to the roots of the fir
As if it were the only foundation my core could trust
See how the curls of my hair rise with the wind up into the
Reaching limbs of my maple’s yellowing leaves
Soon they will detach themselves in rebellion
And fall into an independence of mossy soil
You brought me here as a gift to yourself
A response in lust
In hopeful discovery of what lay beneath my threads
But as soon as you touched the first pore
The goodness of me filtered to the earth
So you couldn’t poison the depth I was meant to trait
As every pious vein seeped, the tree bloomed
Blossoming with peonies, the smell enrapturing the passer-by’s senses
And there I hid on the blanket of branches
Where I could become intimate in the roundness of the orange sun

It's been awhile..shame on me

I know it's been awhile but I've been in kind of a blogging shlump. I keep getting inspired out there in the physical world and then when I finally sit down to the digital world it's all a blank. So here goes nothing.


I started grad school today and I'm terrified. I have this tingly tight feeling all over my body..the way I used to when I sat next to a really cute boy in class, but now the cute boy is daunting research papers, unread chapters, and the constant fear in the back of my mind that I don't have what it takes. Writing this, even, makes me want to shake myself and give myself a good old fashioned pep talk that I would give any of my friends if they were writing this.

It isn't the papers, or the chapters, or the expectations that hang so heavy above me in the air while I'm sitting in lecture that are creating the stiff knots in my back to appear....it's the realization that once again I'm in an internal battle to grow up. This is a constant struggle for me. First it was living by lonesome, then it was getting married...now it's grad school..I know it will all be okay and I know that I will adjust..but that's not it..sometimes I just want to yell out in rebellion because what if I don't want to adjust!!!! :D I guess its the activist within me. "Teachers, leave us kids alone!"

The funniest part about the fact that I am even posting the above is the fact that I feel ignited in my program. Like I was sitting there under a rocket just waiting for someone to have stronger thumbs than me to light a lighter(still a problem for me to this day, good thing I'm not a smoker ;) ) and ignite this ol' heart of mine. This passion that all of a sudden flamed and is now gulping up all of my senses and making me see oranges and pinks and gorgeous dancing light. Being around people that are just as passionate about counseling and helping the vulnerable population is something I could never dipict the way I wish I could. It's like getting off the plane and discovering a beautiful new country with someone who is just as excited and just as new to the sights, smells, and people. I truly do feel like I'm discovering a whole other world, with people that are so much like me its ridiculous. At my orientation words ebbed and flowed and jumped from vein to vein. My whole being came alive. I had forgotten how much the human condition and psyche inspired me and made me feel in my realm of reality.

I hung on every word of these strangers and took in every detail. Their smile, their brilliant language, but mostly what they were passionate about. Every single subject that we opened up in a deep interest was something that I had been thinking about my entire life and didn't even realize it until that moment..or subjects that I wanted desperately to talk to my social circle about, but never did because of the heaviness of such subjects..and they are heavy and not really meant for fun loving conversation..but rather a constructed environment..aka: education. I am so liberated in the discovery of the human condition and the barriers and solutions that we experience everyday. I want to be part of that solution. I am a firm believer in self expression and counseling and I can't wait to live that belief. To put both feet forward and become part of the solutions of the problems that overexpose themselves in my mind when alone. I can't wait to share in this journey and help those that need it the most. I know it's cliche..but it's not cliche for me. It's the truth.

On to a lighter subject....living with a man. hahaha. Everyday I crave estrogen..I'm not even joking. I absolutely love Alex and I love living with him but there are a few things that have left me baffled and confused...here are some of them...

-Alex eats cold soup straight from the can
-Alex gets mad at me when I pick up his dirty laundry and put it in the dryer and I didn't "check his pockets" for screwdrivers and his wallet
-Alex doesn't eat anything with a spoon that can be slurped.
-Alex always wakes up no matter what time of the night I come to bed just so he can give me a kiss and put his arms around me.
-Alex doesn't believe in hand washing anything
-Alex leaves me love notes when I am at work and he misses me
-Alex plays call of duty far more than I would like to be aware of
-Alex loves to cook for me and help me cook
-Alex likes to claim simple things as "our thing"..haha..like "nachos and netflix are 'our thing'"
-Alex loves to put his huge wall sized business advertisement posters in our living room and tries to convince me to leave it there
-Alex and I love to wrestle in the living room
-Alex is deathly afraid of "girl's nights" ..which works in my benefit
-Alex likes to argue about small luxeries I love to get at the grocery store and then eat or drink all of it in one day
-Alex always has to kiss me goodbye and tell me he loves me before he leaves, even if it's to take the trash out
-Alex doesn't like anything unless it's black, white, or grey
-Alex is the most adorable boy in the world

Sorry this blog is so long....but on a side note..the last few months I have learned alot about my friendships..and have realized how much people can truly be there for me when I need them and when they can't and I am so fortunate for those special individuals that have been there for me and are genuinely there to share in my life. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful for girls wine nights, homemade quilts, homemade dinners out on the patio, hiking and swimming in nature, surprise phone calls, being truly missed, and being able to vent the way a real human needs to. :) Life is too good to me.

Top Kareoke Songs

Okay, so when I was a little kid I used to think that I had the most incredible voice in the entire world. I believed that I would become famous and just needed an opportunity to be discovered. My three singer obsessions were Mariah Carey, Jewel, and Celine Dion..haha..My first concert--Celine Dion. Now, I remember watching this biography on Celine Dion and how she got discovered and became famous. Apparantly she was found through submitting a tape of her music and of her singing. I decided that this was my one chance. For Christmas I begged my parents for a microphone and yieldingly they finally caved and got me one. I sang every single freaking day. I also made my own home-made tape to send to producers so I could finally be "discovered."

When I was in elementary school I competed in the talent show every year and was always the leader and head person to sing in our group. I remember this being quite the ordeal since everyone wanted to be the main singer. lol. We would practice singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey and "You Were Meant for Me" by Jewel out at the playground. When I look back on my childhood I now realize why I am so dillusional as an adult as well, I think it's genetic and started out pretty naturally at a young age. haha.

Now, my parents refused to go to the talent shows. I think it was too much for them. This was the only thing in my entire life I remember my parents not supporting me in. They never missed a single soccer game or a single track meet, but singing in front of the entire school and their parents..my parents just couldn't handle the embarrassment. hahahahah. I know look back and don't blame them. Now my Grandma Claudine..well she went to every single one and even went as far as to videotape me. I don't know what happened to those videotapes but I am praying that they got burned and destroyed so that there can never be any kind of evidence of these mortifying presentations in front of the school(completely unaware that I was embarassing myself). Songs I sang in elementary/middle school were "Hero" by Mariah Carey "You were Meant for Me" by Jewel and "Fly" by Celine Dion. Could I have been any more of a loser? hahahahah

Now I remember my need to be a singer going on for far too long. My parents would shut the door every time the microphone came out and every time I sang "all by myself" by Celine Dion my dad would poke his head in and say "you will be all by yourself if you keep singing this song." hahaha..throughout this whole thing I know my parents were ruined of all of Celine Dion songs especially the Titanic theme song...I feel so bad for them. haha. Now, my Papa...he is the sweetest man and everytime anyone made fun of me or shut all the doors in the house my papa would come into my room and listen intently to me sing. He told me that I was a great singer and beautiful to top it off so I could go anywhere in life if I wanted. haha..Oh my Papa. Sweetest man ever. I still find this memory incredibly endearing and it makes me love my Papa even more.

Okay, onto my point. I have this insane passion for singing..and usually I hate doing things that I'm bad at, but for some reason...it doesn't bother me that I'm an absolute wretched singer...I still continue to live out those childhood dreams through a little thing called Kareoke..hahaha...oh and Rockband helps too ;)

I absolutely love kareoke...absolutely love it. My favorite part of kareoke is the interpretive dancing that I do improv style while singing and making an ass of myself. And with everything that I love in life I must list....so here is the list of my top ten kareoke songs...

1. Cher "Do you Believe in Life After Love"

2. Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares" (this is way better when Alex is present so I can point at him and lure him in as I sing and completely humiliate him as well.)

3. Tracy Chapman "Give Me One Reason" (must be well equiped with spins at the 'turn around' part of the lyrics)

4. Foreigner "I Wanna Know What Love is" (now this was Alex and I's first kareoke duet and I will never forget it..lol.)

5. Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know" (the most currently performed)

6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Maps" (this is also a great rockband song)

7. Lisa Loeb "Stay"

8. Four Non Blondes "What's Up"

9. Sheryl Crow "Bitch"

10. John Mellencamp "Hurts so Good"

Top Loves of the Month/ last month :)

1. Talking on the phone with my Gommy

2. Writing poetry off of the prompts given by Robert online.

3. Dave's Killer Bread

4. All the big trees surrounding my new place. :D

5. Trail Mix

6. Neil Young

7. My sunroof :)

8. Antiqueing

9. My new Lucky jeans

10. Losing ten pounds since my engagement! woo!

11. Alex and I signing our first contract together :D

12. Boozeday ;)

13. waxing--my first wax job ever :D

14. love notes secretly placed in my wallet from my mom

15. Tommy having his first girlfriend and going to prom

16. big hugs during big changes

17. Sex and the City on the treadmill..lol

18. Saltwater sandals

19. Vacations at the perfect timing

20. Alex and I signing our first contract together :)