changes

Lately I've been stressed and Alex is working so much and I miss him so much during his busy season. He rarely hast time to talk to me on the phone and he doesn't get done with work until around nine or ten..then he's exhausted and wants to go to bed when I want to stay up and chat. It's hard. Now I'm moving into our apartment by myself and I'm scared and I just hate change. This song has been soothing me :) so have the friends that are oh so comforting these days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOh_sVYXOQk&playnext=1&list=PL9AC96DF33AF8D6C0

Erin

I miss you Erin!!! Come back into my blogging life.. :D (and real life..lol) stop working so much ;) Love you!

dear mr. sandman

In response to all you punks from my past that keep creeping into my dreams at night(which I know is highly due to the stress I am experiencing from all this change) here is a song for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3RRy5ONFaw

As for the sandman..I would greatly appreciate it if I could please be left alone from all the stress and torments I won't let myself think about when I am awake. This morning I actually was relieved that I couldn't remember my dream last night. I don't know what it is, but all this stress and change has made my mind fight battle after battle and my heart waking up exhausted...sigh. I'm not sure if I need to invest in more dream catchers, but I'm so tired of being haunted by these dreams. It seems as though my nightmares get worse the closer the change comes...these are things I'm thinking would help:

-warm milk..gross I know..but isn't this an old tradition to calm the nerves and relax the mind?

-happy go lucky movie before bed..haha...possibly when harry met sally? my all time favorite

-icecream..because all that is stressful in life has always been cured with icecream

-and that's all ive got :D


getting stressed about all that I have to do for the wedding..eeeeek!!!!!!

too fast

Sometimes I feel like my life moves so fast. That time goes by so quickly that I just can't keep up. It's overwhelming. I'm having one of those days. One of those days where I just feel so antsy in my own skin. Like somethings missing and I have no idea what it is...like I need to get out of Spokane or do something crazy. I think my life has been on a time crunch. Everything is starting to get to me. I feel like I can't keep up with everything..like I don't have the skills. I also feel impulsive and flighty and like I need an escape for right now. I can't tell if it's because I'm stressed with everything lately or if I just need a release.

Everything feels routine and generic and blase. I've been writing alot more to spice my mind up and to feel passionate...and it's not alex and it's not my friends. It's me. I'm having senioritis..but with no school or no reason. Can you have a senioritis from life? I have felt closer to alex then I've ever felt before and my friends are incredible as usual. I think I just need something to excite me again. I need to feel free for a little bit. I freedom dose. I'm not talking about free from a relationship or free from my work...because ah! I'm sooo in love with both of those things in my life right now. I've never felt so happy in my life but so angsty at the same time. What is it? I need a deep conversation about life and love and the past and the future. I need an incredible dance party. I need exploration of the soul through art. I need to travel. I ache to travel and to see something new...something that makes my heart ache inside. I need a live concert and a new party dress. I need something...

This is the stuff

My mom called me yesterday and left me a message on my phone telling me that she just listened to a song that reminded her of me. :) lol. Of course I had to check it out. I absolutely love it. I've been getting really into Christian music and taking time in the morning on my drive to work to pray and worship. :) This song can be added to the list and I love it. :) It really is a good descriptor of my life..I mean the other day I forgot to put one contact in the other eye, I've rearended someone on the way to take my GRE test, I'm always getting lost, and I swear my life is mostly chaos the majority of the time. Due to the fact that I'm spacy, somewhat disorganized, and always daydreaming. Oh well :)

Here is the song:

"This is the Stuff"
By Francesca Battistelli

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVnAyD96G3A

Post Secret..

Okay..so every Sunday I'm a total nerd and look forward to the Post Secrets that come out. The whole idea of post secret is so interesting to me. Anonymous people putting their secrets on post cards and sending them to a complete stranger to publish on the web and in books. It first started out as an anti-suicide campaign and now it's a place for happy, sad, frustrated, compelled, sneaky, guilty, excited, loving people all over the world to share their deepest darkest and sometimes brightest secrets.

I can't help but love the novelty of sharing secrets with strangers and getting to see the art and read the quirks that go with it that push the envelope and seem a bit rebellious at times. These postcards sometimes state the things we feel deep down inside but would never want to admit! I love it. It's so embrasive of the human condition. :) Frank is the guy that started this whole idea and publishes the books and distributes and creates the website. He also came to Eastern to speak and I sat in and watched as many of my fellow classmates bravely went up to confess their secret in front of tons of students. It was truly liberating. Although I'm not as brave as the few that boldly pronounced their secrets in public it still was internally liberating.

I've ALWAYS wanted to get enough guts to send a postcard with my secret to frank...but what would it be? I started journaling in my hidden journal online all of my secrets. I have about two hundred. :) Some of them are quirks, some funny, some sad, some shameful..all part of the brokenness of what makes up a human really :) especially an eratic, impulsive, overly romantic one like me. I really wish that I could get all my friends together and share all of our secrets in a public display, it's a provoking idea...I wish I could start an art project downtown under the bridges for secrets to be displayed for those that spend their lives on the streets. It's a cool idea really..or if we could even paint our secrets under the bridge. I find it beautifully artistic..in a raw imposing kind of way. :)

So...in honor of frank I will share a few of my less invasive secrets (because I have to keep it on the safe side..although sharing with Erin is about as safe as you can get...but for the rest of the online community who may stumble upon this..hehe..I"ll play it on the safe side.)

Secrets(I wish I could display my art along with them I really do..)

-Everytime I go to a fast food restaraunt I always order water but sneak lemonade instead


-I would much rather dance by myself...


-I make up my own song lyrics..I think they sound better that way


-I judge the people in front of me at the grocery store by what kind of food they buy...


-I have a different song that represents every wonderful person in my life

this month :)

Things I've learned this month....

-It's okay to be a little crazy, irratic, and impulsive every once in awhile

-overbooking=still not making everyone happy..

-road trips alone sometimes are the best therapy

-Sometimes you just have to make an excel spreadsheet to organize all wedding details

-Don't feel guilty for being you

-helping people in my new job is making me the happiest I've ever been at work

-Good wine, good friend, ridiculous fun amazing non judgmental conversations are the best release in life

-Achieving something that you've worked hard at is the best!!! (Grad school woo!)

-You really can live off of microwavable meals and still lose weight.haha.

-Just Dance! on the Wii is the best game ever..

-Those who stray are not always lost..

-Change can be good! :)