I know it's been awhile but I've been in kind of a blogging shlump. I keep getting inspired out there in the physical world and then when I finally sit down to the digital world it's all a blank. So here goes nothing.
I started grad school today and I'm terrified. I have this tingly tight feeling all over my body..the way I used to when I sat next to a really cute boy in class, but now the cute boy is daunting research papers, unread chapters, and the constant fear in the back of my mind that I don't have what it takes. Writing this, even, makes me want to shake myself and give myself a good old fashioned pep talk that I would give any of my friends if they were writing this.
It isn't the papers, or the chapters, or the expectations that hang so heavy above me in the air while I'm sitting in lecture that are creating the stiff knots in my back to appear....it's the realization that once again I'm in an internal battle to grow up. This is a constant struggle for me. First it was living by lonesome, then it was getting married...now it's grad school..I know it will all be okay and I know that I will adjust..but that's not it..sometimes I just want to yell out in rebellion because what if I don't want to adjust!!!! :D I guess its the activist within me. "Teachers, leave us kids alone!"
The funniest part about the fact that I am even posting the above is the fact that I feel ignited in my program. Like I was sitting there under a rocket just waiting for someone to have stronger thumbs than me to light a lighter(still a problem for me to this day, good thing I'm not a smoker ;) ) and ignite this ol' heart of mine. This passion that all of a sudden flamed and is now gulping up all of my senses and making me see oranges and pinks and gorgeous dancing light. Being around people that are just as passionate about counseling and helping the vulnerable population is something I could never dipict the way I wish I could. It's like getting off the plane and discovering a beautiful new country with someone who is just as excited and just as new to the sights, smells, and people. I truly do feel like I'm discovering a whole other world, with people that are so much like me its ridiculous. At my orientation words ebbed and flowed and jumped from vein to vein. My whole being came alive. I had forgotten how much the human condition and psyche inspired me and made me feel in my realm of reality.
I hung on every word of these strangers and took in every detail. Their smile, their brilliant language, but mostly what they were passionate about. Every single subject that we opened up in a deep interest was something that I had been thinking about my entire life and didn't even realize it until that moment..or subjects that I wanted desperately to talk to my social circle about, but never did because of the heaviness of such subjects..and they are heavy and not really meant for fun loving conversation..but rather a constructed environment..aka: education. I am so liberated in the discovery of the human condition and the barriers and solutions that we experience everyday. I want to be part of that solution. I am a firm believer in self expression and counseling and I can't wait to live that belief. To put both feet forward and become part of the solutions of the problems that overexpose themselves in my mind when alone. I can't wait to share in this journey and help those that need it the most. I know it's cliche..but it's not cliche for me. It's the truth.
On to a lighter subject....living with a man. hahaha. Everyday I crave estrogen..I'm not even joking. I absolutely love Alex and I love living with him but there are a few things that have left me baffled and confused...here are some of them...
-Alex eats cold soup straight from the can
-Alex gets mad at me when I pick up his dirty laundry and put it in the dryer and I didn't "check his pockets" for screwdrivers and his wallet
-Alex doesn't eat anything with a spoon that can be slurped.
-Alex always wakes up no matter what time of the night I come to bed just so he can give me a kiss and put his arms around me.
-Alex doesn't believe in hand washing anything
-Alex leaves me love notes when I am at work and he misses me
-Alex plays call of duty far more than I would like to be aware of
-Alex loves to cook for me and help me cook
-Alex likes to claim simple things as "our thing"..haha..like "nachos and netflix are 'our thing'"
-Alex loves to put his huge wall sized business advertisement posters in our living room and tries to convince me to leave it there
-Alex and I love to wrestle in the living room
-Alex is deathly afraid of "girl's nights" ..which works in my benefit
-Alex likes to argue about small luxeries I love to get at the grocery store and then eat or drink all of it in one day
-Alex always has to kiss me goodbye and tell me he loves me before he leaves, even if it's to take the trash out
-Alex doesn't like anything unless it's black, white, or grey
-Alex is the most adorable boy in the world
Sorry this blog is so long....but on a side note..the last few months I have learned alot about my friendships..and have realized how much people can truly be there for me when I need them and when they can't and I am so fortunate for those special individuals that have been there for me and are genuinely there to share in my life. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful for girls wine nights, homemade quilts, homemade dinners out on the patio, hiking and swimming in nature, surprise phone calls, being truly missed, and being able to vent the way a real human needs to. :) Life is too good to me.
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