Big red

because I'm in a quirky mood and because it's been awhile since I wrote something on my computer that wasn't academic, I am going to take this time to write a letter to santa...my adult version..very different then my little kid version

Dear Santa,

I know there were times this year where I was outrageous in my wildness. I'm sure when checking over the list and scrolling across my name you immediately had a flashback to my weekend in Vegas where I was flashy and ridiculous and wore my shoes in the swimming pool. Also, the multiple times I yelled at Alex when planning our wedding. I'm sure you're looking back and thinking of the multiple times I had a little too much to drink (or a lot), when I chain smoked cigarrettes, hid Alex's call of duty game, and refused to eat veggies weeks after my wedding (due to dieting for almost a year).

I know you're probably thinking of the times when I relished in my enemie's weight gain and spoke my mind one too many times out in public. You're also probably remembering the times when I lashed out at some of my friends when supppper stressed out and the time I prank called my little brother wasted, leaving him a message saying I was some girl he met at "Club Fit." In my defense I needed to make a point about his permiscuous ways. ;D and I know, I know, I know....when I spent wayyyy too much money on that pair of shoes and waited until the last minute to do my homework and complained about it to the world. And yes, that was me, that told a couple people off this year and wrote some people off and gave my little brother chew when he turned eighteen. I did flirt my way out of a speeding ticket and played dumb when I didn't want to fix some stuff in my apartment, so Alex would. Now I hope you can somehow look past all of this and grant me what I want this Christmas....now think of this Christmas list as a somewhat New Year list as well.

What I want most for Christmas is liberation. Freedom in music and friendships and love and trees. To be able to set aside my neurotic tendencies and accept the world and the people close to me in it for the incredible people they are. I want peace of mind and yoga. I want to be able to lay my head down at night and not think about how I wish I could loose ten pounds or how I should have, would have, could have. I want to abolish mental "to do" lists. I want mostly to cherish this world and the moments God grants me. I want to stop being nostalgic and stop living in the past, like a sappy consumer of my hauntings. No more nightmares every single freaking day of people who are in my past, that wrote me off or hurt me. I want disaknowlegment as well as acknowlegment.

disaknowlege: negative people in my world; narcisstic relationships that are totally one sided; what I don't have, materialistically speaking; judgmental people...I can't judge judgemental people right? That makes me a hypocrite; and most of all I want to disaknowlege my fear. Fear of failure, not being accepted, and fear that my friends and the people I love will leave.

acknowlege: the beauty on this earth, God, the incredible friends I do have and their awesome qualities, uplifting music, simplicity, my blessings, how lucky I am. :)

Also, Santa...I would like you to provide comfort to the people who are hurting out there. There are so many...and so many close to me that are hurting. Please, Santa let me just accept the things I have right now, in this moment.

Along with this list, Santa, I would like you to transport me into the seventies for a week haha...and also could you let me go on project runway and design clothing and let me travel the world at no expense. ;D Also, I would very much like to meet Audrey Hepburn and find the most epic kareoke song of all time. Also, please don't let me get pregnant for at least another year..again with the neuroticism. hahaha..Also, I just want enough time this Christmas break to see all the people that I love and care for so much.

I know this list is very easy to fulfill ;)

Thank you,

Trish

Top Ten

Had an incredible weekend, despite angry cynical coaches and parents at the U-9 girls teams I reffed. urgh. Have been really finding a great balance between being a grown-up and truly making time for the things I treasure in life. :D yay..I'm adjusting as a grad student! woo. lol. Because I love lists so much and because I have so many new favorites in my life...I might as well list my most recent tops. :D

Favs..

1. Bruchetta at Vintages(the place I'm serving at now)

2. Sunday Movie date night with my hubs

3. Skype dates with people I miss so much

4. adorable children at the pumpkin patch

5. Americano w/cinnamon and honey

6. Some of the people in my program that have an exquisite vocabulary..makes class so much more interesting to me :D especially if they throw in a couple good metaphors

7. Maxi skirts with funky boots

8. Double dates with the "Alex's" and Meliss and I :D

9. Celeb crush lol:

10. planning for vacations I shouldn't take, but am going to anyways ;D

Poetry nut

Lately I have been giving myself time limits...on how much poetry I can read on my study breaks. I found this incredible blog and have been reading poetry from it like I'm parched and this blog is my libation relief. I don't know what it is about poetry that I love so much..and I find that it's pretty rare to find someone who truly grasps and appreciates the complexities, the raw emotion, and the ironicy of poetry. I don't really care that sometimes I feel like a sentimental weirdo, staying up too late reading poetry that inspire me to write my own. I am not a huge fan of sharing my poetry, but for some reason today I feel surprisingly inspired..so I'll go ahead and show one of my favorite poems from the blog I stumbled across and the poem I wrote a few days ago.

Blog poem:



This Is How I Must Be Loved







This is how I must be loved.
Bring me mangoes out of season.
Order an orange from China
Or one ancient painted egg.

You cannot be too exotic.

Find me a perfect magenta orchid.
It is the extravagant gesture
I long for.

Make me wear a veil and shawl.
Call me a Spanish whore.
Have me kneel at your feet.
Take me, hard, on the floor.

It is the opulence of love
I crave.

I want a full moon every night,
The wild bath of silver.
Touch me in another language.
Dare invent it,
A geography of the naked.

Surround me with candles.
Bathe me in oil.
Carry me to bed.
Tell me you’re my slave.
Brush my hair.
Beg to kiss my neck.

Whisper my name ten thousand times
Like a mantra, like chimes.
Build me a garden, an arbor.
Love me like I was the woman
Of all your tomorrows.

And no more pulling punches.
No more dress rehearsals.
Love me like I was the final
Princess in the last tower
At the end of the map.

Kate Braverman


My poem

Suns' Lover

Unfold me among the trees
Open in privacy
See how the tree trunks bleed into my coffee skin
See how the roots of my body
Cling to the roots of the fir
As if it were the only foundation my core could trust
See how the curls of my hair rise with the wind up into the
Reaching limbs of my maple’s yellowing leaves
Soon they will detach themselves in rebellion
And fall into an independence of mossy soil
You brought me here as a gift to yourself
A response in lust
In hopeful discovery of what lay beneath my threads
But as soon as you touched the first pore
The goodness of me filtered to the earth
So you couldn’t poison the depth I was meant to trait
As every pious vein seeped, the tree bloomed
Blossoming with peonies, the smell enrapturing the passer-by’s senses
And there I hid on the blanket of branches
Where I could become intimate in the roundness of the orange sun

It's been awhile..shame on me

I know it's been awhile but I've been in kind of a blogging shlump. I keep getting inspired out there in the physical world and then when I finally sit down to the digital world it's all a blank. So here goes nothing.


I started grad school today and I'm terrified. I have this tingly tight feeling all over my body..the way I used to when I sat next to a really cute boy in class, but now the cute boy is daunting research papers, unread chapters, and the constant fear in the back of my mind that I don't have what it takes. Writing this, even, makes me want to shake myself and give myself a good old fashioned pep talk that I would give any of my friends if they were writing this.

It isn't the papers, or the chapters, or the expectations that hang so heavy above me in the air while I'm sitting in lecture that are creating the stiff knots in my back to appear....it's the realization that once again I'm in an internal battle to grow up. This is a constant struggle for me. First it was living by lonesome, then it was getting married...now it's grad school..I know it will all be okay and I know that I will adjust..but that's not it..sometimes I just want to yell out in rebellion because what if I don't want to adjust!!!! :D I guess its the activist within me. "Teachers, leave us kids alone!"

The funniest part about the fact that I am even posting the above is the fact that I feel ignited in my program. Like I was sitting there under a rocket just waiting for someone to have stronger thumbs than me to light a lighter(still a problem for me to this day, good thing I'm not a smoker ;) ) and ignite this ol' heart of mine. This passion that all of a sudden flamed and is now gulping up all of my senses and making me see oranges and pinks and gorgeous dancing light. Being around people that are just as passionate about counseling and helping the vulnerable population is something I could never dipict the way I wish I could. It's like getting off the plane and discovering a beautiful new country with someone who is just as excited and just as new to the sights, smells, and people. I truly do feel like I'm discovering a whole other world, with people that are so much like me its ridiculous. At my orientation words ebbed and flowed and jumped from vein to vein. My whole being came alive. I had forgotten how much the human condition and psyche inspired me and made me feel in my realm of reality.

I hung on every word of these strangers and took in every detail. Their smile, their brilliant language, but mostly what they were passionate about. Every single subject that we opened up in a deep interest was something that I had been thinking about my entire life and didn't even realize it until that moment..or subjects that I wanted desperately to talk to my social circle about, but never did because of the heaviness of such subjects..and they are heavy and not really meant for fun loving conversation..but rather a constructed environment..aka: education. I am so liberated in the discovery of the human condition and the barriers and solutions that we experience everyday. I want to be part of that solution. I am a firm believer in self expression and counseling and I can't wait to live that belief. To put both feet forward and become part of the solutions of the problems that overexpose themselves in my mind when alone. I can't wait to share in this journey and help those that need it the most. I know it's cliche..but it's not cliche for me. It's the truth.

On to a lighter subject....living with a man. hahaha. Everyday I crave estrogen..I'm not even joking. I absolutely love Alex and I love living with him but there are a few things that have left me baffled and confused...here are some of them...

-Alex eats cold soup straight from the can
-Alex gets mad at me when I pick up his dirty laundry and put it in the dryer and I didn't "check his pockets" for screwdrivers and his wallet
-Alex doesn't eat anything with a spoon that can be slurped.
-Alex always wakes up no matter what time of the night I come to bed just so he can give me a kiss and put his arms around me.
-Alex doesn't believe in hand washing anything
-Alex leaves me love notes when I am at work and he misses me
-Alex plays call of duty far more than I would like to be aware of
-Alex loves to cook for me and help me cook
-Alex likes to claim simple things as "our thing"..haha..like "nachos and netflix are 'our thing'"
-Alex loves to put his huge wall sized business advertisement posters in our living room and tries to convince me to leave it there
-Alex and I love to wrestle in the living room
-Alex is deathly afraid of "girl's nights" ..which works in my benefit
-Alex likes to argue about small luxeries I love to get at the grocery store and then eat or drink all of it in one day
-Alex always has to kiss me goodbye and tell me he loves me before he leaves, even if it's to take the trash out
-Alex doesn't like anything unless it's black, white, or grey
-Alex is the most adorable boy in the world

Sorry this blog is so long....but on a side note..the last few months I have learned alot about my friendships..and have realized how much people can truly be there for me when I need them and when they can't and I am so fortunate for those special individuals that have been there for me and are genuinely there to share in my life. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful for girls wine nights, homemade quilts, homemade dinners out on the patio, hiking and swimming in nature, surprise phone calls, being truly missed, and being able to vent the way a real human needs to. :) Life is too good to me.

Top Kareoke Songs

Okay, so when I was a little kid I used to think that I had the most incredible voice in the entire world. I believed that I would become famous and just needed an opportunity to be discovered. My three singer obsessions were Mariah Carey, Jewel, and Celine Dion..haha..My first concert--Celine Dion. Now, I remember watching this biography on Celine Dion and how she got discovered and became famous. Apparantly she was found through submitting a tape of her music and of her singing. I decided that this was my one chance. For Christmas I begged my parents for a microphone and yieldingly they finally caved and got me one. I sang every single freaking day. I also made my own home-made tape to send to producers so I could finally be "discovered."

When I was in elementary school I competed in the talent show every year and was always the leader and head person to sing in our group. I remember this being quite the ordeal since everyone wanted to be the main singer. lol. We would practice singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey and "You Were Meant for Me" by Jewel out at the playground. When I look back on my childhood I now realize why I am so dillusional as an adult as well, I think it's genetic and started out pretty naturally at a young age. haha.

Now, my parents refused to go to the talent shows. I think it was too much for them. This was the only thing in my entire life I remember my parents not supporting me in. They never missed a single soccer game or a single track meet, but singing in front of the entire school and their parents..my parents just couldn't handle the embarrassment. hahahahah. I know look back and don't blame them. Now my Grandma Claudine..well she went to every single one and even went as far as to videotape me. I don't know what happened to those videotapes but I am praying that they got burned and destroyed so that there can never be any kind of evidence of these mortifying presentations in front of the school(completely unaware that I was embarassing myself). Songs I sang in elementary/middle school were "Hero" by Mariah Carey "You were Meant for Me" by Jewel and "Fly" by Celine Dion. Could I have been any more of a loser? hahahahah

Now I remember my need to be a singer going on for far too long. My parents would shut the door every time the microphone came out and every time I sang "all by myself" by Celine Dion my dad would poke his head in and say "you will be all by yourself if you keep singing this song." hahaha..throughout this whole thing I know my parents were ruined of all of Celine Dion songs especially the Titanic theme song...I feel so bad for them. haha. Now, my Papa...he is the sweetest man and everytime anyone made fun of me or shut all the doors in the house my papa would come into my room and listen intently to me sing. He told me that I was a great singer and beautiful to top it off so I could go anywhere in life if I wanted. haha..Oh my Papa. Sweetest man ever. I still find this memory incredibly endearing and it makes me love my Papa even more.

Okay, onto my point. I have this insane passion for singing..and usually I hate doing things that I'm bad at, but for some reason...it doesn't bother me that I'm an absolute wretched singer...I still continue to live out those childhood dreams through a little thing called Kareoke..hahaha...oh and Rockband helps too ;)

I absolutely love kareoke...absolutely love it. My favorite part of kareoke is the interpretive dancing that I do improv style while singing and making an ass of myself. And with everything that I love in life I must list....so here is the list of my top ten kareoke songs...

1. Cher "Do you Believe in Life After Love"

2. Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares" (this is way better when Alex is present so I can point at him and lure him in as I sing and completely humiliate him as well.)

3. Tracy Chapman "Give Me One Reason" (must be well equiped with spins at the 'turn around' part of the lyrics)

4. Foreigner "I Wanna Know What Love is" (now this was Alex and I's first kareoke duet and I will never forget it..lol.)

5. Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know" (the most currently performed)

6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Maps" (this is also a great rockband song)

7. Lisa Loeb "Stay"

8. Four Non Blondes "What's Up"

9. Sheryl Crow "Bitch"

10. John Mellencamp "Hurts so Good"

Top Loves of the Month/ last month :)

1. Talking on the phone with my Gommy

2. Writing poetry off of the prompts given by Robert online.

3. Dave's Killer Bread

4. All the big trees surrounding my new place. :D

5. Trail Mix

6. Neil Young

7. My sunroof :)

8. Antiqueing

9. My new Lucky jeans

10. Losing ten pounds since my engagement! woo!

11. Alex and I signing our first contract together :D

12. Boozeday ;)

13. waxing--my first wax job ever :D

14. love notes secretly placed in my wallet from my mom

15. Tommy having his first girlfriend and going to prom

16. big hugs during big changes

17. Sex and the City on the treadmill..lol

18. Saltwater sandals

19. Vacations at the perfect timing

20. Alex and I signing our first contract together :)

changes

Lately I've been stressed and Alex is working so much and I miss him so much during his busy season. He rarely hast time to talk to me on the phone and he doesn't get done with work until around nine or ten..then he's exhausted and wants to go to bed when I want to stay up and chat. It's hard. Now I'm moving into our apartment by myself and I'm scared and I just hate change. This song has been soothing me :) so have the friends that are oh so comforting these days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOh_sVYXOQk&playnext=1&list=PL9AC96DF33AF8D6C0

Erin

I miss you Erin!!! Come back into my blogging life.. :D (and real life..lol) stop working so much ;) Love you!

dear mr. sandman

In response to all you punks from my past that keep creeping into my dreams at night(which I know is highly due to the stress I am experiencing from all this change) here is a song for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3RRy5ONFaw

As for the sandman..I would greatly appreciate it if I could please be left alone from all the stress and torments I won't let myself think about when I am awake. This morning I actually was relieved that I couldn't remember my dream last night. I don't know what it is, but all this stress and change has made my mind fight battle after battle and my heart waking up exhausted...sigh. I'm not sure if I need to invest in more dream catchers, but I'm so tired of being haunted by these dreams. It seems as though my nightmares get worse the closer the change comes...these are things I'm thinking would help:

-warm milk..gross I know..but isn't this an old tradition to calm the nerves and relax the mind?

-happy go lucky movie before bed..haha...possibly when harry met sally? my all time favorite

-icecream..because all that is stressful in life has always been cured with icecream

-and that's all ive got :D


getting stressed about all that I have to do for the wedding..eeeeek!!!!!!

too fast

Sometimes I feel like my life moves so fast. That time goes by so quickly that I just can't keep up. It's overwhelming. I'm having one of those days. One of those days where I just feel so antsy in my own skin. Like somethings missing and I have no idea what it is...like I need to get out of Spokane or do something crazy. I think my life has been on a time crunch. Everything is starting to get to me. I feel like I can't keep up with everything..like I don't have the skills. I also feel impulsive and flighty and like I need an escape for right now. I can't tell if it's because I'm stressed with everything lately or if I just need a release.

Everything feels routine and generic and blase. I've been writing alot more to spice my mind up and to feel passionate...and it's not alex and it's not my friends. It's me. I'm having senioritis..but with no school or no reason. Can you have a senioritis from life? I have felt closer to alex then I've ever felt before and my friends are incredible as usual. I think I just need something to excite me again. I need to feel free for a little bit. I freedom dose. I'm not talking about free from a relationship or free from my work...because ah! I'm sooo in love with both of those things in my life right now. I've never felt so happy in my life but so angsty at the same time. What is it? I need a deep conversation about life and love and the past and the future. I need an incredible dance party. I need exploration of the soul through art. I need to travel. I ache to travel and to see something new...something that makes my heart ache inside. I need a live concert and a new party dress. I need something...

This is the stuff

My mom called me yesterday and left me a message on my phone telling me that she just listened to a song that reminded her of me. :) lol. Of course I had to check it out. I absolutely love it. I've been getting really into Christian music and taking time in the morning on my drive to work to pray and worship. :) This song can be added to the list and I love it. :) It really is a good descriptor of my life..I mean the other day I forgot to put one contact in the other eye, I've rearended someone on the way to take my GRE test, I'm always getting lost, and I swear my life is mostly chaos the majority of the time. Due to the fact that I'm spacy, somewhat disorganized, and always daydreaming. Oh well :)

Here is the song:

"This is the Stuff"
By Francesca Battistelli

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVnAyD96G3A

Post Secret..

Okay..so every Sunday I'm a total nerd and look forward to the Post Secrets that come out. The whole idea of post secret is so interesting to me. Anonymous people putting their secrets on post cards and sending them to a complete stranger to publish on the web and in books. It first started out as an anti-suicide campaign and now it's a place for happy, sad, frustrated, compelled, sneaky, guilty, excited, loving people all over the world to share their deepest darkest and sometimes brightest secrets.

I can't help but love the novelty of sharing secrets with strangers and getting to see the art and read the quirks that go with it that push the envelope and seem a bit rebellious at times. These postcards sometimes state the things we feel deep down inside but would never want to admit! I love it. It's so embrasive of the human condition. :) Frank is the guy that started this whole idea and publishes the books and distributes and creates the website. He also came to Eastern to speak and I sat in and watched as many of my fellow classmates bravely went up to confess their secret in front of tons of students. It was truly liberating. Although I'm not as brave as the few that boldly pronounced their secrets in public it still was internally liberating.

I've ALWAYS wanted to get enough guts to send a postcard with my secret to frank...but what would it be? I started journaling in my hidden journal online all of my secrets. I have about two hundred. :) Some of them are quirks, some funny, some sad, some shameful..all part of the brokenness of what makes up a human really :) especially an eratic, impulsive, overly romantic one like me. I really wish that I could get all my friends together and share all of our secrets in a public display, it's a provoking idea...I wish I could start an art project downtown under the bridges for secrets to be displayed for those that spend their lives on the streets. It's a cool idea really..or if we could even paint our secrets under the bridge. I find it beautifully artistic..in a raw imposing kind of way. :)

So...in honor of frank I will share a few of my less invasive secrets (because I have to keep it on the safe side..although sharing with Erin is about as safe as you can get...but for the rest of the online community who may stumble upon this..hehe..I"ll play it on the safe side.)

Secrets(I wish I could display my art along with them I really do..)

-Everytime I go to a fast food restaraunt I always order water but sneak lemonade instead


-I would much rather dance by myself...


-I make up my own song lyrics..I think they sound better that way


-I judge the people in front of me at the grocery store by what kind of food they buy...


-I have a different song that represents every wonderful person in my life

this month :)

Things I've learned this month....

-It's okay to be a little crazy, irratic, and impulsive every once in awhile

-overbooking=still not making everyone happy..

-road trips alone sometimes are the best therapy

-Sometimes you just have to make an excel spreadsheet to organize all wedding details

-Don't feel guilty for being you

-helping people in my new job is making me the happiest I've ever been at work

-Good wine, good friend, ridiculous fun amazing non judgmental conversations are the best release in life

-Achieving something that you've worked hard at is the best!!! (Grad school woo!)

-You really can live off of microwavable meals and still lose weight.haha.

-Just Dance! on the Wii is the best game ever..

-Those who stray are not always lost..

-Change can be good! :)

pictures :)

Some of my favorite photos, sayings, and thoughts :)